so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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