i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You are the jesus of drinking
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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