No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
