I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
