Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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