quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
