opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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