You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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