Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
