He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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