his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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