a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
