It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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