DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
meet me or not, i'm out of control
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
