I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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