I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
