Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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