Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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