a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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