i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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