I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
