i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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