I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I accidentally had phone sex last night
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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