my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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