just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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