Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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