Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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