And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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