I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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