Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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