There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
