when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
