I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
