you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
