dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
