Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
