I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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