So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
