A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
