Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
