Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
