At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
