hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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