when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Two words: blizzard sex
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
