"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
