My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
