You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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