My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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