Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
