Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
