Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
