i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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