We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
