No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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