think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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