1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
