I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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