The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
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