Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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