I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
