Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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