i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
