you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
